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The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Me too 😆
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no