No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit