Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.