ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
This hospital has everything
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Whoa 😂
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots