You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
That’s not how days work.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend