Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Admin smashed it 😂
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
bad news gang