Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!