My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
my first day as a raccoon
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*