Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
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[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
stop
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.