While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it鈥檚 also on theirs.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
billy joel: we didn鈥檛 start the fire
detective: I haven鈥檛 mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 馃憫
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
*pokes sex life with a stick
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 馃槉
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya