Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
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this is the most humiliating day of my life
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.