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“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
this has to be peak English
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.