My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
SPLOOT
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.