Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.