In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
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Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet