Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”