interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
When ur friends with white people
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché