LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.