If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
You Might Also Like
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Children of the corn 🌽
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool