I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
You Might Also Like
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*