“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*sewing*
A thread
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?