yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
This kinda thing happens to me often
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”