True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
i prefer mine room temperature.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?