Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!