A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
You Might Also Like
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person