I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
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My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
“our sushi is very fresh”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive