“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
You Might Also Like
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please