“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*