Polite kitties have good etiquecat
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I hate everything
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My first son he is wonderful
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas