Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
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Installing a new drainage system, so right now there鈥檚 an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Rt to bother an English speaker
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I鈥檓 drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it鈥檚 not seventeen and I鈥檓 running out of Band-Aids
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
stop saying millennials aren鈥檛 having kids. my posts are my children and I鈥檓 deeply disappointed in all of them
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it鈥檚 Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
If this doesn鈥檛 sum up England nothing will 馃槀馃槀 #snow #weather #uk
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i鈥檓 sad or whatever
professor x: you don鈥檛 punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren鈥檛 for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.