morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
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If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
real
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay