She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.