[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.