*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
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As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”