Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
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What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
That time Alicia messaged me
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…