ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
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“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.