I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
who wore it better?