Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
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Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you