Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.