I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?