Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
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Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Name this drama.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash