waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
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In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”