When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.