Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em