Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
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[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Not my job 😂
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
my dad when a sex scene comes on
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…