scrabbled eggs
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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
(yawn)
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body