HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
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Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.