Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
You Might Also Like
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email