One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
peep davidson
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???