*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.